Is It a Wonderful Life?
by sonnyb0no
Summary: It was cold. But in the harsh Toronto winter, and in Eli's heart, it was always cold. Can anyone save him from himself?


**Hi! This is my first "serious" fanfiction. I would greatly appreciate reviews and/or suggestions.**

**The story is partial AU. Eli and Adam do not go to Degrassi, but Clare and Alli and everyone else do. Also, I changed the time of Julia's death from April (I think?) to December. The basic format of her death is still the same, however. **

**I know it's like the beginning of August and this story is set in December at Christmastime and who wants to read about Christmas in August? But I just had an inspiration and started typing and what lays below is the result of that.**

**_I do not own Degrassi or It's a Wonderful Life._**

**I do however own a pair of Crocs, and for that, I apologize.**

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It was cold. The kind of cold where the whipping wind bites at your cheeks and knuckles, chapping them, reddening them, making them bleed. A coldness so cold that it begins to affect not only your body, but your mind as well. The thoughts that filled your mind become as frozen as the icicles hanging from the street lamps. It was cold. But in the harsh Toronto winter, and in Eli's heart, it was always cold.

He walked down the crowded city streets, stuffing his bare hands deep into the pockets of his wool coat. People were stopping to look at the window displays in the big department store windows. He paused himself for a brief moment to peer inside the big glass frame. In the center was the main, classic staple of the display, a miniature cast iron train set that went around a dwarfed-down Christmas village. Eli watched as the train circled around the quaint, 1950s looking town filled with all of the small town staples that a classic Christmas village deserved.

There was the town barber shop that Eli imagined would be filled with tiny men reading their even tinier newspapers while paying little attention to the horrific hair cut they were receiving. Accordingly, across the street stood a beauty salon. He smiled slightly at the thought of frumpy old ladies walking through the door, their pillbox hats covered with a fresh layer of snow and complaining about the weather or providing the latest news in the matter concerning Linda May and that boy from the next town over. There was of course the candy store with miniature kids standing right outside of it, licking their candy canes. He thought about how the kids had probably begged their parents for a nickel to buy the delicious holiday main staple, and how the parents had said that candy was bad for their teeth, but had given in anyways in the spirit of the season of giving. Trickled throughout the rest of the town were the grocery store, and the movie theater, and the water tower, dozens of tiny, neutral-colored houses, and, without fail, in the town square stood a gigantic (at least in terms of the tiny city) Christmas tree with carolers gathered at the base of the evergreen, holding small books of holiday hymns and Christmas carols.

The town reminding Eli a lot of Bedford Falls, the town in which the Christmas special of all Christmas specials, _It's a Wonderful Life, _was set. Sometimes, Eli wished that he could be like the film's main character, George Bailey. Bailey got a chance to look at what the people he cared most about's lives would have been like had George never been born. The story line had been mimicked and mocked time and time again throughout popular culture, and each time, the person on the journey is able to see that "each man's life touches so many other lives" and "when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole". But Eli didn't think that there would be much of a whole if his existence had never occurred, let alone an awful one. Sure, Bullfrog and CeCe would never have had a kid, but Eli had always thought that he was more of a burden to his parents than a pleasure, even though they assured him that he had their love.

He turned his attention back to the tiny Christmas village. The words "Christmas village" rattled and rotated through the seventeen-year-old's mind. If you tacked off the first, adjectival word, then it was just a village. But what's a Christmas village like when it's not Christmas?

It reminded Eli of a question he'd been asking himself for some time now.

_What's a broken heart like when it's no longer broken?_

XXXXXXX

Clare loved Christmas. She wished it would last all year long.

As soon as she finished her last piece of pumpkin pie at the Thanksgiving table, she would start lugging boxes out of the basement filled with tinsel and garland and stringed popcorn galore. Her mother would scold her as she threw aside the stuffed turkeys and hideous cornucopias, replacing them with the beautiful nativity set passed down to the family from her father's grandmother.

"Clare Diana Edwards" her mother had said this past Thanksgiving.

"Yes?" Clare had replied, placing the first of the three wise men into the stable.

"Why on God's green Earth are you putting out the nativity set? Your father and I aren't even done eating yet."

Clare had faced her mother's stern face, a smile spreading across her own as she said "Because it's Christmas", before turning back around to set the next wise men down, humming "The Twelve Days of Christmas" even though Christmas was still twenty-seven days away.

Mrs. Edwards had started to say something, but just shook her head and laughed instead.

Now it was December 9th and the holiday season was in full swing. The Edward's family, including Clare's older sister Darcy, who was home from Kenya for a rare holiday visit, as well as Clare's best friend, Alli, had gone Christmas tree shopping earlier that day.

Darcy had complained the whole time. "I don't understand why we can't just have a plastic tree like normal people" she groaned as the family scoured the grounds for their perfect Douglas Fir.

"Because, Darcy, we are no ordinary, run-of-the-mill, dinky winky, plastic Christmas tree warding kind of family" Mr. Edwards said, obviously mocking Clare and her high holiday standards. Everyone, including Clare, laughed at her expense.

"Make fun all you want, but the authentic Christmas experience is not complete without a real-live evergreen in the living room, filling the house with the sweet aroma of pine needles on December mornings" the rest of the group just stared at her "I swear, you people have no Christmas spirit whatsoever".

Despite Darcy's nonstop complaining, and Alli's forgivable inexperience at tree shopping, the family finally got a tree strapped to the hood of the car. They made the journey back to the city, singing Christmas carols along the way, led by none other than Clare Edwards and her fantastic holiday hurrah.

_Who in the world wouldn't love Christmas?_

XXXXXXX

Eli took one last look at the Christmas village before continuing down the sidewalk. Everywhere he looked, he saw happy people filled with holiday cheer. He hated to associate happiness and cheer with the holidays. Of course, Eli had at one time shared the enthusiastic approach to gift giving, and carol singing, peace on Earth, goodwill to men, yadda-yadda. But, for the past two years, he hated, even dreaded the holiday season. Someone who didn't know what he'd been through would pass him off as a regular ol' Scrooge. But Eli didn't loathe this time of year for the same, pedestrian reasons that the famous Dickens character did.

The tragic events of Christmas Eve during the winter break of his grade ten year forever changed his outlook on the holiday season. He couldn't help but associate "the most wonderful time of the year" with sorrow, discomfort, and, above all, pain.

_Why didn't I calm her down? Why didn't I just offer her a ride home?_

He quickly shook the regrets out of his mind. He refused to let himself think that way.

Eli took a crumpled up piece of paper out of his pocket and tried to smooth it out with his shaking, shivering hands. He looked down at the list of presents to buy. Just because Eli no longer enjoyed the holiday season didn't mean that other people shouldn't. He still liked to get gifts for his parents and for Adam, if only to say "thanks" for the tough times they'd helped him through over the past two years.

"Are you fucking serious?" he said aloud as he looked at the list to see what Adam wanted for Christmas. The harsh word gained Eli surprised stares from some small children and their mother walking in front of him. "Sorry" he mouthed at the woman. His brain didn't have much of a filter anymore.

But still, why in hell did Adam need a three-hundred dollar cashmere sweater? Eli thought seriously about going to the Salvation Army and getting a three dollar sweater for his friend from there, but decided against it. Not only because it would be obvious that it was a knock-off from the 90s, but also because he knew that Adam deserved the best after all that he had done to help.

Eli shook his head and gave a slight smirk as he turned around and headed back towards the department store in which the Christmas village had been displayed. Again, he looked around at all the happy people.

_How could people be so happy when it's so cold?_

But then, it occurred to Eli that, unlike him, the happy people only felt coldness on the outside.

XXXXXXX

"Rockin' around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas spirit ring" Clare sang along to the familiar tune as she, her mother, and Alli decorated the Christmas tree. They were almost done; the tree just needed its final pinnacle: the angel on top. Clare had tried to coax Alli, who was holding the antiqued, glass angle, to literally rock around the tree with her, as the lyric went in the song, but her friend just laughed her off, earning another lecture from Clare on the importance of Christmas spirit.

"Need I remind you that I'm Hindu? And am therefore not required to have a 'Christmas spirit'?"

"Yeah, yeah. But that doesn't mean you have to be a Grinch".

Alli playfully scoffed "Okay, I'll show you who can rock around this Christmas tree". And Alli sure did rock, right into the tree, knocking off a few ornaments in the process. But it wasn't the irrelevant ornaments that made the ear-splitting shatter as it crashed to the floor; it was the angel that Clare's parents had received as a present from Mrs. Edward's now deceased Aunt on their first Christmas together that now lay at Clare's feet in a million tiny pieces.

"Clare, honey, what just br-" before Mrs. Edwards could finish her thought, she saw that her prized Christmas angel had been the victim of the fall, and her hand flew up to her mouth in disbelief.

"Mom, I'm so-" Clare started.

"I-it's okay, sweetie. I know you didn't mean to" interrupted Mrs. Edwards, obviously choking back tears.

"Mom, I-"

Mrs. Edwards just held up her hand and shook her head. "Just, finish decorating the tree. I'll have you father sweep it up". Clare's mom smoothed down her pants and walked into the next room to inform Randall of the unfortunate mishap.

"Oops" shrugged Alli, trying to make light of the moment.

Clare sighed and said, "Well, we can't have a tree without an angel". She pondered the situation for a second before saying "I guess I'll just have to run to the store and get a new one".

"Come on, Clare. Is it really that important you get it tonight? It's already…" Alli paused to check her watch "Like almost 8:30, and it's really cold out there. I think you'd be better off waiting until tomorrow to get one".

"Alli, you can't have a Christmas tree without an angel".

"Yeah, but-"

"Yeah, but I'm going to the store to get one".

"I'm pretty sure they close at nine".

"So, I'll hurry".

Alli still couldn't believe her best friend was this adamant about a dumb Christmas tree angel, but offered to go to the large department store downtown with her. "No, that's okay" said Clare, "I'll be fine. If my parents asked where I am, tell them I went to get eggnog". Clare threw on her winter wear to help shield against the unbearable cold, and headed out the door into the snow.

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**So, let me know what you think!**

**If I get some reviews, I'll probably continue writing it.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Love,Love,Love,**

**Paulina**


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